Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I Walk The Line

Those who are around me day in and day out know that I am not an angry person. Very seldom do I just jump the gun and end up in a rage. The fact is that I often go to extremes to avoid arguments. Not because I don’t want to disagree or I’m afraid to stand up for myself, but because I hate the consequences. For example when Lucy and I argue, no matter what level the shouting gets eventually there’s an end point that comes after a couple of hours. The fight is never mentioned again and we move on.

Arguments seldom work that way when dealing with the rest of the world and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find spot at which I have every right to draw the line between “take a deep breathe let it pass” and “I’ve had enough”. No matter what side I end up on I’m the one that ultimately faces the consequences. Either I suck it up and pound at my soul for not standing up to the person I feel has done me wrong or I wind up regretting my offensive strike of tongue because now things may never be the same between the opposing side and I.

Recently a family member chose not to attend Fred’s first birthday party and for that matter never acknowledging it even occurred, not because they lived hours away or had a prior commitment, but because of mild discomfort and an aversion to cats…so I jumped across that line I had drawn. I pulled up anchor, raised the red flag, and launched a volley of cannon fire towards the person that I feel did Fred wrong.

The result? Though I’m sure I did not put a dent in their defenses, they will not be given the opportunity to disappoint again or for that matter to participate. Part of me does hope that in the months ahead the situation changes, but I wonder if that’s simply me pounding away at my soul. You see once you stand your ground it’s hard to let go of what caused you to stand up in the first place.

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