Thursday, April 27, 2006

A Long List of Why's

Why are there cartoon characters on baby diapers? The baby doesn't know who Elmo is.

Why do I put down the Elmo diaper and choose the Bert diaper instead?

Why is he soooo fascinated by the ceiling fan? How can I use this to get him to stop crying?

Why did people make such a big deal out of his first Easter? For all he knows, everyday is Easter.

Why does he sit in his bouncy seat all nice and quiet during the 1 millionth viewing of a Raymond rerun, but scream his head off the second American Idol comes on?

Why do they call them diaper genies? Here's a wish "Make it where I don't have to change a 100 diapers a day!"

Why does he insist on sleeping to the one that makes me use the bathroom? His bassinet plays 3 nature sounds. Birds singing, crickets chirping, and WATER RUNNING.

Why did I eat the sample of frozen fried shrimp on isle 6, the ice cream sample on isle 8, and the gummy fruit gusher sample on isle 10?

Why didn't they have a Pepto sampler on isle 12?

Why have I still not seen the "Kramer gets a front porch episode" of Seinfeld?

Why does Fred scream like a wild banshee when his Mimi calls to see how we are handling things?

Why do parents turn raising a baby into a competition? My baby started sleeping all night at 5 weeks. My baby started at 3 weeks. My baby started sleeping all night at 2 weeks and was able to change his own diaper at 8 weeks. My baby taught your baby how to do that.

Why does he like to be held in my left arm and not my right? Are my shirts gonna start fitting me different because of it?

Why do I feel like my cats are about to throw a mutiny? Is it my paranoia or their need for more attention?

Why does Fred think it is funny to drop a bomb after I have spent 15 minutes getting him dressed?

Why can't he sleep at home like he does at Church?

Why do I think that the second he closes his eyes it's ok to plop him in the bassinet? It never works. He always wakes up.

Why is there a spotlight built into his crib mobile? It's so bright I think his eyes may be changing color.

Why do people think it's ok to just walk up and start poking at the baby? Do they like to be poked in the rips with a finger? Next time it happens I'm gonna reach over and poke them back.

Why do birds suddenly appear when you are near? Sing it with me!!!

Ok so that's my list. Time for feedback. What are some of your WHYS?

Oh and if you like what I'm posting leave a comment and tell a friend.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The DaVinci Clock is Ticking

I have a major deadline coming up. I'm trying everything I can to reach my goal, but May 19th is staring me in the face and no matter what I do it keeps getting closer.

I'm all about goals and time tables. My life is a constant "Gotta get this done by this date".
Sunday we put Fred down for a nap...let me rephrase that...Sunday Fred passed out after screaming for an hour. Not to get off on a rant but I understand the being so tired you feel like your gonna start crying and loose control of all bodily functions part. I too struggle with it everyday. The difference is Fred has nothing to do. He just eats,poops, and it's lights out. See ya in 2 hours. Same Bat-Time. Same Bat-Channel.
Why do baby's fight their sleep? Do they think they are missing out on some secret fun? Cause their not. What they are missing out on is 2 hours of home repair. Someday we'll be able to ask a 2 year old "So our viewers are dying to know. Why did you scream like somebody was yanking your toe nails out? Why didn't you just stop crying? Did you know that when you stop making noises that it's easier to fall asleep?"
Maybe then we'll find out that apparently all babies are born with the belief that the circus set's up camp during nap time. If they can just stay awake long enough they can see Mommy ride a tiger while Daddy is being balanced on the nose of a seal. Combine that with all the free cotton candy you can stomach and it's easy to see why they aren't so willing to zonk out for a couple of hours.

Anyway, back to the clock ticking in my head.

The baby just passed out. We have 1 hour and 57 minutes to clean the house.
Ready... Set...Go!

"I am going to fold these clothes and be done in 5 minutes. Then I'll spend 30 minutes talking to my mother. Then that will allow me 20 minutes to lay down before the baby is hungry again."

"Ok. I'm going eat a candy bar, pretend to watch a movie, but really fall asleep from all the sugar. I will wake up in 1 hour and 50 minutes. Then spend 7 minutes saying I'm sorry for not helping you fold the clothes." (Guess which one was me talking. lol)

I like to read. I have to read. Before Fred, I was reading about 2-3 books a month. Well that immediately ceased, no big surprise there. However, I did think that I would be able to read at least 1 book a month.
See I am the last person on this planet that hasn't read The DaVinci Code. I keep a list of books I want to read and it was never the right time, so it kept falling to the back of the list. I decided to read it before the movie came out on May 19th. After the movie comes out it will be too easy to skip the book and take the easy way out at the theater. This meant I had to step up the pace. So instead of going to the library, I bought the paperback. I had plenty of time before the movie came out. I had plenty of time. Now I'm 3 weeks away and spending way too much time dodging movie previews.

What I didn't plan on was baby Fred developing SUPER HEARING. I can understand him being awaken by the sounds of the floor creaking, a door shutting, a cat screaming as it gets beat cause it is again trying to sleep in the car seat, the phone ringing...but I never in a million years knew that pages in a book being turned make a sound that only babies can hear. I can read the left side of the page, then the right, then I just have to put the book down cause once page 3 is lifted (and I mention page 3 cause that's as far as I've gotten in a month) the second it starts its' journey from touching page 4 to resting on page 1...SUPER HEARING kicks in and I'm left trying to find away to cram 10 clowns and a giraffe under the couch cushions while Lucy distracts him in the other room

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I am so LOST!!!

I have an addiction and it's time I confessed. I am obsessed with the television show LOST.

In case you’re not familiar with it, the following is a brief summary:

A plane crashes on an island somewhere in the pacific. The plane was going from Australia to the U.S. The survivors form a tribe of 47. Monsters show up, mysterious people that look like everyone else show up, people are kidnapped, a hatch and a hidden bunker are found, big mystery about a science experiment gone wrong, polar bears attack people, black horses start running around, every episode centers around a flashback of what happened to one of the passengers before the crash, all survivors are connected to each other but don't know it, these numbers keep popping up and causing everyone trouble, millions of questions, zero answers, and to make it that much more awesome each episode builds to a edge of your seat, bite your thumb off, jaw dropping cliffhanger. Just when you can't take it anymore the word LOST hits the screen with a loud thud signaling the end of the episode...I AM ADDICTED.

I've been addicted to shows before. The X files, Buffy, Angel, but never this bad.

Something happened last week that made me loose touch with reality for just a second.

It was right at the end. The edge of our your seat part. One of the bad guys had been captured and was describing this machine that we are all dying to know about. He's nasty looking, all beat up from being tortured, and he starts whispering the info we have all been dying to hear. I am on the edge, Lucy is leaning way over. I promise if a tornado had come and blown through our neighbor the tention in that room alone would have supported the entire house.

The bad guy is describe seeing this machine that is a huge piece of the puzzle. He says, " It was making a humming noise. It was getting louder and louder. I took a step towards it and BLAM!!!!"

A white light shoots out and covers the whole TV screen. At that exact moment this popping noise echoes through the room. Nothing but blank screen follows. I immediately jump up and proclaim that was the best episode of anything I had ever seen in my life. I had just witnessed the single most amazing piece of entertainment ever known to mankind!!!

I turned to see Lucy's reaction, sure that she is just as amazed as I am...but what I find is a curled up nose and a look of disgust. You see, when things explode and catch on fire they produce a smell. As I gazed at Lucy, still drunk on great TV... I inhale the fumes from the fire...coming from my 8 year old 27inch TV...

Now a normal person would freak out, get a little upset, and start thinking about the money that just burned up in front of us.

But I'm a blockhead.

I turn, see Lucy snarling at the horrific smell of burnt rubber or whatever TV's are made of and instantly something clicks!!! If what I saw wasn't the end of the episode...than it's still on!!!! Immediately I bolt to the other room to catch the last 2 minutes. Completely engulfed in my addition.

This sends Lucy into complete shock. Instead of making sure the fire was out, unplugging the TV, doing something about the smell, or getting the slightest bit upset that in a blink of an eye we just lost $300. I chose to watch the last few seconds of a television show as my first priority. Yes I admit it wasn't the correct reaction...but man what a great episode.

What Does the Butterfly Say to the Caterpillar?

Sorry to everyone who has visited lately to find that nothing new has been posted. As you can probably guess things have been sorta hectic with baby Fred and my priorities have made a dramatic shift. I promise to fill in the gaps and get back to making two posts a week. Maybe I will even nail down a day like Tuesdays and Fridays. We’ll see how it goes. Honestly I had thought about calling it quits but Lucy and others have said that they would miss it. And the truth is so would I. So I'm moving the blog closer to the top of my to do list.

I know things have changed quite rapidly in my world lately, more so now than during the actual pregnancy. And I knew that I was turning into a different person, but I just figured they were minor changes. For instance I still watch TV. I just don't sit there like a zombie. Plus I'm no longer lured into things that have cliffhanger endings. This includes reality shows. I admit I still watch Idol and I swore long ago to never miss an episode of Lost. But even with these shows I have to make sure to put a tape in because time with Fred means more to me now.

I still like the same music. Linkin Park, Fall Out Boy...I still rock to them everyday. The only difference is sometimes I bust out with Carlos The Bus Driver or Wheels On The Bus. Again these are just minor things. It's not like my whole personality has changed...or has it?

See we went to dinner with 2 sets of couple friends after church Sunday night. Couple A has a daughter and Couple B doesn't.

Everybody sits down and BANG the conversations are off. It's a free for all. I'm talking to her and she's talking to him and they are talking to us. The subjects change so fast it's like watching a basketball game with words instead of a ball. Just one of those good "hanging out with friends" kinda times. And believe me! We desperately needed one after being mom and dad for a month with no outside contact.

It must have been about 30 minutes into it when I began to realize that Couple B had quit talking as much. Guy B was actually playing with a hair that he had found on his collar. Girl B had that zoned out smile and nod going on.

I thought, "What's up with them? They always have a lot to add to the conversation". I did a mental rewind to see what they had said... which was very little the more I thought about it.

Then it hit me...we were only talking about the kids

Guy B had brought up movies, but who has time to watch a movie when there's a baby that needs to be changed. Girl B tried to steer the ladies toward shopping... but that only lead to who had the best price on diapers and onesies.

I felt really bad for couple B. I could not think of one thing to say that didn't include baby Fred.

Sports: I did see that game the other night. It got down to the final seconds and Fred started trying to hold his uh.

Lawn Care: Man I love cutting grass too. The smell of the yard when I'm done. I've started putting Fred in his bouncy seat under the oak tree...oh…ha…there he is again.

Everything is connected to Fred now. I remember being like Couple B and being bored to tears, but that was cause those parents weren't as cool as Charlie Blockhead and company.

Afterward we each got in our cars and drove away. I think we may have left more than empty ketchup packets and napkins behind. I think we may have left couple B behind as well.

This is not something I want to happen. I miss couple B. There are times when I miss being couple B.

That's why this week I'm left wondering "What does the butterfly say to the caterpillar?" and "Can they ever relate to each other again?"

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Scariest Part of My Day.

I'm in my bed. My nice cool, cozy, soft, springy bed.
The place where I feel the safest in all the world.
Got my favorite blanket. Pillows in the right place. Lucy by my side.
The gentle tick tick tick tick of the ceiling fan as the chain taps the light.
My deep sleep inducing bed.

It starts softly at first. Like the soundtrack from JAWS except with a grunt.

"What was that? Did y....did you hear that?!?!?" I whisper to Lucy in the dark.
"No go back to sleep" she pleads.
So I do for what feels like a half a second, but may be 10's of minutes.

"What!!! I know heard it that time. I think I gotta look!!!"
"It's ok. I don't even hear it. It must have stopped." poor poor Lucy
This time I'm not so convinced.

Nngh Nngh NNGH!
I raise up slowly to avoid the bed making any creaking sounds.
Must be quite.
Make no noise.
It's right next to me.
The edge.
The thing that invades my dreams and haunts my every thought.

I sneak up to it.

With all the nerve I can muster at that time of night...I slowly peer over the edge of the bassinet.