Wednesday, May 30, 2007

A Memo To The Hardee's Of Hamilton Alabama

While on vacation to see several members of my family this past weekend, we had the opportunity to stop at your establishment. We were making our way down highway 43, looking for someplace familiar to stop, and were delighted to see that friendly little star logo of yours sticking up over the tree line.

It just so happens that Fred had an emergency accident and since the car was full of luggage and toys, there was no place to change the monumental dirty. As we walked into your restaurant heading straight for the restroom we couldn’t help but be hungry as we smelled the biscuits and hash browns cooking. The site of the crazy man dressed like Moses (complete with staff and full length white beard) even made us feel that much more welcome.

Upon entering the restroom and discovering you didn’t have changing tables, we were overcome with a sense of joy as we realized you considered your customers so much like family that you wanted to share every blessed moment with them…no sticking your customers in a private area to clean up mounds of poop, no you want us all together to enjoy the smells and screams that come from trying to change a 1 year-old who just pooped for the first time in 24 hours.

In hindsight I guess Mosses was really there to part the way, since the entire restaurant cleared the path around us as Fred was stripped down and began grabbing handfuls of feces while others enjoyed their omelet biscuits.

Boy Hardee’s, you sure must love your customers!! You didn’t even get mad when we decided not to eat and left without wiping off the table. What a super company you are!!!


Charlie Blockhead


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Happiness Is....

I was over at ChildsPlayx2 and he started the thread:

Having a stressful day at work only to look down at your nice dress shirt and find a smear of banana left from your daughter’s hands when she gave you a hug goodbye that morning.”

Here is what happiness is to me:

Forgetting all about the crappy day you had the second you show up at the daycare to pick up your one year old and he runs to you screaming and laughing with that “I Have Missed You Sooo Much” look on his face. That look that says though he has had a great day playing with his friends, you are the one he has truly longed to be spending the day with. That spark that jolts his face alive the second he hears your voice causing it to smile wide and squint the eyes before he even realizes what just happened.

Hearing the words “Be Safe” trail after Fred and I as we get in the car in the mornings. We pull out, take one look back, and see Lucy still standing at the door waving one last time and getting in one last “I love you guys” before we are down the driveway and rushing towards the end of another day.

An email to my work address. Sent every morning that reads, “How’s it going so far? What was Fred doing when you left him? I miss you guys.”

Going to bed at the exact same time. If she’s not ready yet, I’ll sleep on the couch till she is. If I’m watching a movie, she does the same. Nobody likes an empty bed after ten years.

 This looks like it's going to be it for me this week. With Idol ending it's run (the show not the site my contract got extended!!!) and Repellem going five days starting the first week of June, I need to recharge the creative batteries. We've got a trip planned this weekend, I'm going to try and catch up on some movies, maybe read a chapter of my book that's been collecting dust on the night stand, and enjoy my family for four days.

This seems like the perfect time to say thank you to everyone who has been reading Charlie lately. My numbers are growing every week and I'm loving the comments/feedback I keep reading.

I don't want to leave you with homework or anything, but if you'd like before you click away tell me what happiness means to you and then have a safe holiday.


Monday, May 21, 2007

Poison Ivy

I get the stuff every year. I don't even get upset anymore, I just grit my teeth, promise this time I won't scratch, and cave after that first night spent scratching myself in my sleep. That was Sunday night.

I'm not sure why I'm so alergic to it, it could be genetic. The Gram Hamm (my grandfather) can catch it on the breeze. It possibly could be blamed on Peter Nelson. Peter was my first real friend in the sixth grade. I was a dork and Peter's face looked like an over ripe strawberry. He had gotten a bad case of the stuff and it found it's way to his eyes. Man what a scary sight that was...but we instantly hit it off. Ever since then every time I find myself the victim of the ivy I think of Peter and wash my hands every 5 minutes. Last I checked he was the mascot for the Tennessee Titans.

Another Ivy fact is that I only get it when something major is just beyond the horizon. Last year I got it two weeks before Fred was born and ran screaming for help at the sight of the first bump. This week finds me 4 days from seeing my Dad, and 1/2 brother/sister, for the first time in a year. Again I made myself the promise I would not scratch. Covered up whenever Fred was around...normally it starts on my arms and comes from pulling weeds. This time around I got it from ignoring Lucy and weed eating in a pair of shorts ("I'm just going to be out there 15 minutes. What can it hurt?"). It started with a tiny bump on my knee last Thursday and by Sunday it had jumped legs and was quickly approaching the equator.

The Dr. simply said hi and asked me my opinion on what works best. He figured that by now I knew more about it than he did. By the way why does the waiting room after the waiting room not have any mags to read? You spend an hour outside with a 6 month old copy of Forbes surrounded by the living dead and as a reward you get rushed away into a room that may have once held the dad from The Shining. Yes I appreciate the free jars of applicators and tongue depressors, but the marshmellows are always fuzzy and stale.

The final result was a shot and a 10 day round of Prednisone. I've got a history with this particular drug. It's partly responsible for many of my childhood horror stories. It gives you the worst acid reflux, makes you mean as a snake, refuses to let you sleep, dries your mouth out, and in 6 days the Ivy is gone....then you spend the next 6 months trying to catch up on sleep and apologizing to your wife. Aaah the wonders of modern medicine.


Friday, May 18, 2007

Living On The Edge

Last week Lucy went yard selling with the GiGi and a couple of hours after she got back, one of the tires on the Focus Wagon was really low. So I man-upped and took it to get patched…only they couldn’t patch it since the leak was in the side…and since they were looking at tires they decided to check out my other three…and found out something had worn them down to the point the wires were sticking out…they could get me new ones for only $400!!!

As far as what caused my tires to wear down? The mechanic could only guess it was the shocks and that would run me about $300 to fix…if that was the problem. AHH HAAA!!! BUT I HAVE A WARRANTY WITH FORD!!! So I gave them a ring, told them the problem, and got this answer:

“Well yes you have a warranty the best parts of it ran out last year, but you did good and got the extend so we are guessing it could run you anywhere from $50-$400.”

What kind of estimate is that!?!?!?! How about the next time a cop pulls me over I said, “No I don’t know how fast I was going officer, but I’d guess between 50mph-400mph”

I wonder how big of a laugh I would get.

Then the Ford guy says “Well it’s $70 just to look at it. Now just by what your telling me it sounds like the alignment so that’s about another $100…then again it could be the shocks and that’s about $300…but if when we type up what wrong in the computer it says it’s covered by warranty all you gotta pay is $50…but we won’t know than until we look at which again will cost $70 if it’s not covered” So his estimate plus tires equaled $500-$600!!!!

Now I’ve got this money, but my problem with the whole mess was/is that the car only had 26,000 miles on it!! That’s amazing for owning it for 3 years. That’s less than 10,000 a year. Tires and shocks are not supposed to go bad after only 26,000 miles, maybe after 50,000 but not 26,000.

Call me a cheap skate or whatever, but I’ve got big plans for that $600 and it don’t include car repairs. It also didn’t include a new digital camera, but that broke (without being dropped or anything. Just click and it quit working after only 1 ½ yrs) the next day. I’ve got to have a camera with the way Fred is growing so that I’m willing to sacrifice though I’ll never buy a Canon Powershot A520 again!!

My plans for our savings include a summer filled with trips to the zoo, the beach, and the movies…not the backyard where a water hose and the cat await.

With all of this car mess driving us nuts and the image of our hard earned money slipping through our fingers, Lucy says we should just buy a new one and pray they don’t notice the problems with our trade in….and that’s all it took. Would you believe that I Charlie Blockhead a guy who plans every detail out to the second, eats the same lunch everyday, a man happy to be in his ruts….bought a new car after only 1 look and one full day after the idea popped into his wife’s head!?!?

That’s right!!! We thought it, we saw it, and we bought it in less than 36 hours!!! We are now the proud owners of a brand new burnt orange 2007 Ford Edge!! Our payments only went up a bit, they gave us good money for our trade, we get to keep our savings, we can go to the zoo/beach, and it’s all under full warranty again. Now given I guess in the long run it will cost us more than just fixing the wagon, but it was just too good of a deal to pass up. The salesman was an old/new friend and he put our payment right where we wanted it the first time. I have never made such a major purchase that fast in my entire life and after a week I’m still a bit nauseous when I think about it.

Since I can’t take a pic of it yet (should have a new camera next week) here is one off the web. Tell me what you think!!


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Ghost In The Machine

Picture it. A quiet dark house in the middle of the night. A baby sleeping silently on his Spiderman couch. No lights are on except the warm glow of the television. Before it two very exhausted individuals wishing they didn’t have to watch this weeks American Idol (one of them has to write a recap after it’s over) star at the tube. Not a sound can be heard other than Blake Lewis silently singing “Roxanne” (he wasn’t singing it silently the volume was down. The kid was asleep remember).

Then suddenly a voice is heard coming from the other room!!! It doesn’t register with them at first, but within seconds it draws their attention “ilicrk ilicrk….”, then nothing but silence again. The couple shrugs it off, but not for long “ilicrak ilicrak”. This time they recognize the voice; it’s the baby’s Oscar The Grouch toy sharing the joys of crack rock. “I like craaaack I LIKE CRAAACK!!!!”

The wife panics “That toy doesn’t come on by itself!!! It has to be touched before it talks!!! Go check it out!!” she demands.

The husband starts to head that way, then quickly comes to his senses before leaving the den towards the dark dense play room in which the noise is coming from.

“I ain’t going in there by myself. I’m gonna need a witness in case something goes down”

“What about the baby?” she pleads desperate to keep her spot on the warm safe couch

“Lay the cordless phone next to him. If something happens he’ll wake up, see the phone, start pushing buttons like we always tell him not too but he does anyways. Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll hit 911.”

As they creep toward the room where Oscar is still sharing the joys of illegal drugs, the husband boldly peers around the corner and freezes.

“You don’t want to see what’s going on in there!”

“What is it? Is somebody there?”

“It’s too dark to tell, but it looks like we left the front door open and the screen unlocked.”

“Crap. We’re going to have to spend the night in the den. I’ve got the big couch!!”

“It’s worse than that. Apparently Oscar has been hiding something from us….he’s possessed!!”

This the wife had to see. Slowly she came from around her husband, closed one eye (she was to scared to open both) and sure enough before her in the far reaches of the family room near the opened door, there in the pitch blackness sat the Oscar toy flashing red as if possessed by the devil.

“What’s the plan?” she asked

“The plan?”

“You’re the husband. How are you going to get your family out of this safely?!”

“I could throw my debit card into the middle of the room?”

“What’s that going to do?”

“We go back to watching Idol, wait an hour, when we come back if it’s still there we didn’t have a burglar; if it’s gone we did and he took what he wanted.”

“I’ve got a better plan. How about I push your yellow butt in there and if you scream the baby and I will run out the back door, across the yard, and keep running till we make it to my daddy’s house?”

“Fine, but don’t be mad if I’m sitting in my underwear watching a Jet Li movie when the police show up to survey the crime scene.”


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I'm Sick Of Gender Benders

One think I love about Charlie is that it gives me a chance to scream at the world without having to bare (or is it bear?) the consequences. I say this like I’m not a smart alec (or is it smart alex?) in really life and never shoot my mouth off. It’s actually quite the opposite although I still never fully scream like I want to. Always holding back just bit so that I’m not white sheeted (black-balled) from places of worship.

Well today’s rant is all about names. I’m fed (or is it fead?) up with people getting Fred’s name/gender wrong. The gender thing REALLY TICKS ME OFF. If you’re elderly or blind, you have an out on this one otherwise take notice. HE IS A BOY. A MAN. WITH MAN PARTS MAN THOUGHTS MAN TENDANCIES AND MAN BEHAVIOUR. He farts and scratches his butt first thing in the morning and burps out loud when it’s least appropriate. JUST BECAUSE HE HAS CURLY HAIR AND A CUTE FACE DOESN’T MAKE HIM A NANCY!!! Yes his mother insists on taking him out in public dressed in fru fru jumpers with lacey looking collars and socks that look like panty hose, but it’s blue. BLUE MEANS BOY-PURPLE MEANS GIRL-RED MEANS BOY-PINK MEANS GIRL-GREEN MEANS BOY-YELLOW MEANS GIRL!!!! Get your gender colors right bucko!!!

Next up his name is FRED not SAM. This one is directed at you Mrs. Substitute daycare teacher. If I walk in and say “Have Fun Fred” “Have a good day Fred” “I love you Fred” meanwhile his best girl ‘Sunshine’ simultaneously begins screaming, “Fred is here!! Fred is here!!!” the second he walks into the room. Do not. I repeat DO NOT CALL HIM SAM. No wonder he was crying when I left, he thought I had given him to a stranger who immediately decided to change his name. Please know that I was trying hard not to be overly rude when I said “HIS NAME IS FRED!!!. WHERE IS HIS REGULAR TEACHER MRS. JUNEBUG AT?”

The last one happened to Lucy this week as well. If his mom, grandmother, and an entire retirement home full of elderly residents tell you his name is Fred not Frank than quite possibly you just might be wrong ye you have only heard his name but not yet been introduced to him. Please tell me you are not seriously still wondering why we call him Fred to his face but Frank to the rest of the world. If for some reason this seems like a greater possiblity than you just being wrong, than I'm sure Lucy would like to stick a 25 pound watermelon up your butt for nine months, have it removed from your most private of areas, and then see your expression after she asks "Why do call it watermelon when it's really a cantelope?"


Thursday, May 10, 2007

On The Edge Of A Cliff

Lucy and I have a confession to make….we’ve been seeing other people. More than that we’ve each found ourselves obsessed. We see them once a week. Sometimes we dream about spending time with them. We even scan the Internet desperately searching for them….today I’m here to announce two things about these relationships. First of all, by the end of May they will be over with. Set aside for the summer. Some for good. Others may start up again in the fall. We can’t help ourselves. We are in love with these people.

The second thing I need to confess…is their names.

  • Lost-every week we are finding more about what is going on, but its way intense and everything connects to something else. This is the only show I could never get tired of.
  • 7th Heaven-This season should never existed. They should have let it die last year
  • The Riches-Favorite New Show Of The Year. Gypsy con artist family trying to be “normal” by assuming the lives of a rich family they accidentally killed…how can you NOT watch?
  • CSI: Miami- Getting very stale this year. Time for it end.
  • CSI-Sara bites it and next season Grissom is left to morn. Can’t beat the real thing.
  • The Office-I’m ready for the next step in the Jim/Pam/what’s her name triangle. Still this is the second funniest show on TV.
  • New Adventures of Old Christine- The Funniest Show on the tube. Julia Dreyfus is amazing. Oh and Wanda Sykes makes the perfect sidekick.
  • How I Met Your Mother-Still no clue who the mother that will be met will be. Pretty sure it’s not Robin, but who cares we need more Slap Bet!!!
  • Ghost Whisperer-The world ends on May 11th and only Melinda can save it. Of course she will, but this is quickly following in the footsteps of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Especially now that she’s got a bunch of Scooby’s helping her out.
  • Cold Case- This ended 3 days ago and Lucy is still talking about it. Great formula and the music is always awesome!!
  • Bones-Best partners since Mulder/Scully. 2nd favorite show on TV. (How can you top Lost?)
  • Crossing Jordan-This isn’t the best show, but it’s always consistent. Never a bad episode…never a homerun either, but there’s something to be said about hitting a line drive week after week. Plus anyone can be killed off on any given night, except for Jordan.

Did you think I was talking about something else up there at the top? Whatever!!! It’s Cliffhanger season and while we desperately await the fates of our favorite characters, we are also relieved to be rid of the burden of having to dedicate so much time to them every week. Most people rent movies. Us? We just try to keep up with a handful of shows. Fred is first so we usually catch everything on the weekend or after 10 at night. Once May is over with practically no TV is watched at night…except for maybe this new show Traveler I keep hearing about.


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The Line Item Veto

I was over at PoopandBoogies reading about how his wife got into a situation at a parking garage. It ended with her asking him if he told anybody and he said just a couple of people, but yes he was going to blog about it. Lucy says this all the time.

I can’t count the number of times I hear ‘You’re going to put this on the internet, aren’t you?” or “AND I BETTER NOT READ ABOUT THIS ON THE WEB IN THE MORNING!!!” I tend to honor her requests when it comes to leaving things out. After all it’s her story too and I figure she’s entitled to final approval rights when she feels its necessary. She very seldom enforces the line item veto, but when she does I don’t question it. Obviously there are funny things in life that happen, but should not be shared in public.

Still I’ve got this one story that is sooooo funny…..soooo outrageous…it would leave you running for the nearest bathroom to clean up afterward.

Speaking of things Lucy would not dare let me blog about, check out this post from  Weird Girl.


Tuesday, May 08, 2007

BP Stands For Birthday Parties

This actually happened to a friend of Lucy’s who (for obvious reasons of which you are about to read) I shall bestow the secret identity of Canned Greens. I know that’s a weird name, but she knows who she is. I’m sure she won’t mind if I tell this little story about her Kid Canned Greens recent birthday party.

Every year Kid Canned Greens has a party at a local park. Now we all know how elaborate these parties are. There’s cake, cookies, decorations, invitations, scheduling conflicts to be worked out, door prizes, games, music, piñatas…it’s a tremendous task and eliminating the planning is the only valid reason I can see for just having it at Chucky Cheese Hell.

So Canned Greens is working on her invitations and she’s telling everyone that it will be held at a park that starts with the name of the city she lives in. For example: Miami Park or Springfield Park (whatever. you get the idea). While she’s doing this life is going on around her and Mr. Canned Greens says something to the effect of “We need to remember to take the car to the gas station for a tune up.” Nothing Earth shaking, just a reminder. Invitations go out and the date is set in stone.

Then about three days later she gets a call from one of her invitees saying something about where the party will be held. No big deal she made a mistake. Than another called. Than another. Than another. All are calling to ask about the unusual location of Kid Canned Greens party this year.

Have you figured it out yet? She wrote on the invitation that the party would be at…wait for it…wait…foooorrrr…iiittt…at the (insert city name) gas station!!!! That’s right folks she sent all but six people to a gas station in the middle of the country!!! Which if you think about it is the perfect place.

You could use the air hose to blow out the candles. Give away free road maps instead of dinky toys. Serve twinkies instead of birthday cake and the nasty looking attendant could be “Crusty The Crown”. The parents could get a quick fill up while they are there and everyone’s happy.


Peanut Flavored Scrubs

I know it's not Christmas time, but I saw this last December and tried to get Amy to watch it. She's a die hard Scrubs fan and yours truley loves it almost as much as Charlie Brown. So I'm putting it on the site that way I can always come back to it whenever I need a chuckle. BEFORE YOU HIT PLAY!!!! BEWARE IT IS A TAD BIT ADULT IN A FEW PLACES!!!! DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!!!

I present to you the entire Charlie Brown Christmas Special As Told By The Cast Of Scrubs!!!


Songs In The Key Of Life (My Lullabye)

I'm a ColdPlay fanatic. There's something about summer time that makes their music that much more amazing. Sitting on the back porch, staring into the dark, listening to "Rush Of Blood To The Head" all the way through....awww paradise.

Tonight I sang "Fix You" to Fred as he went to sleep (with a little help from Chris and the guys). Here is the video:




Thursday, May 03, 2007

Once Bitten Twice Shy Baby

Oh how I love cheesy pop references. Well it looks like things are not chummy on the Hill, as we would like to imagine. Fred, who recently moved up to the next class, was the victim of a hate crime this week. When I went to pick him up on Tuesday it was revealed to me that some maniac 18 month old had bitten him and sure enough on his arm the proof was found in the form of a perfect circle. You can practically count the kids teeth on Fred’s arm.

Though we are not supposed to know who the little ankle biter is….we do and I will say it’s a good thing I have a problem matching names with faces cause that little rat would accidentally trip the next time I saw him. I know I know. I can’t be trying to attack 2 year-olds, but we were also told that the same kid bit 2 other people this week and more in the past. I say paybacks are hell. It’s a good thing Momma Blockhead didn’t show up that afternoon to pick Fred up like is normally the case, cause as soon as the teacher said “By law we can’t tell you the child’s name. Only that Fred was just minding his own business” Lucy would have gone around yanking up the sleeves of everyone in that building, biting them each in the arm first, and asking them if it was them second.

This did bring up an interesting conundrum in my sub-conscious though. My first reaction to the news was “Well what did he have that Fred wanted? I know my boy and if that other kid was holding a cheeto than Fred probably deserved it cause Fred is gonna get that cheeto no matter what.” Lucy even mentioned “You know how he is when he sees something he wants. He just goes after it.” She’s right. There’s been countless times that we’ve popped Fred’s hand and made him cry, then five seconds later he’s doing whatever the offense was again. But why did I automatically assume Fred had wronged the other kid first? Is it because after 18 years of living with a family that fought like cats and dogs, and another 8 years of being a bill collector (of sorts) which is a job based around arguing with people over money, that I find it hard to believe that sometimes people become innocent victims?Why wasn’t my first reaction “NOBODY BITES MY CHILD FOR NO REASON!!”

Oh well that’s about as deep as I want to go with that for now, just one of those parenting things that you must work out I guess.

I can sorta understand why he got bit though. Look at this face and tell me you don’t want to nibble on them cheeks just a bit. He’s the cutest baby it world for crying out loud!!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Restaurant Rage (Part II)

This is a continuation of yesterday’s thread. I’m gonna wrap this up today, then the rest of the week will have a story about Fred getting bit and I’ve got a announcement to make on Friday (nothing Earth shaking just gonna try to help a friend in need)


The offense: TOO MANY CHOICES!!! Lucy loves to eat here, but I tend to get a migraine whenever we drive by it. This is the only restaurant that causes me to break my “everyone eats at the same place” rule. (If we can’t all agree on the same place to eat what can we agree on?) This whole place in general just drives me insane. We just spent the last half hour playing “Where do you want to eat? I don’t know. Where do you want to eat?”, we finally decide on a sub, and now we gotta literally teach the de-dit-did-dee behind the counter how to make a sandwich from HIS MENU!!

“Yes I’d like a Chicken Bacon Ranch you’ve been advertising”

“What kind of bread? What kind of chicken? What kind of Bacon? Baked? What kind of sauce? Lettuce? Tomatoes? Cheese? Ranch Dressing?”


Excuse me if I left my blue prints on how you make that particular hoagie in the other car!!! WHY EVEN ADVERTISE A CERTAIN KIND OF SUB IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW IT’S MADE!!! I’ve got enough choices in life that are more important than what goes between two pieces of bread. Just make me whatever you feel like eating and I’ll trust your judgment.

The justice: I’m going let them decide. “Do you want to be covered in sandwich meat and left alone in the desert with the vultures?” “Do want lettuce? Oil and Vinegar? Jalapeño cheese? Cucumbers? What about bell peppers? Red, Green, or Yellow?”


The offense: Putting those awesome mouth watering sluchies in cup that FALLS APART WITH THE TOUCH OF A STRAW can no longer be tolerated!!! There’s only so many time I can get a lemonberry slush stain out of a car seat without all the scrubbing eventually wearing a hole in the fabric.

The justice: The next time it happens I get to tie the roller-skating waitress to the back bumper of the car and she can follow me to the upholstery cleaner’s

Cracker Barrel

The offense: The only thing this restaurant does right is give something to do to distract you from the ignorance that practically hangs in the air like smell of the apple butter candles available for purchase in the trademarked gift store. What is it about golf tees and triangles that cause me to lose track of time? Here’s just a glimpse of all that went wrong Monday night: The waitress wouldn’t quit holding her tray of hot coffee over Fred’s head, the bus boy spun around and nearly clobbered him with a tub of dirty plates, the food took 2 hours to arrive, Fred’s pancake came covered in junk instead plain like we begged, the sunny side up eggs got turned into scrambled, no cornbread, cold mashed potatoes, the waitress didn’t know the difference between French and Ranch dressing (she literally looked at the white goop and said that is French!!)….I’m surprised we are still alive after all of that.

The justice: Honestly even in my imagination I can’t think of a way to make these peoples lives worse. Obviously the employees there have committed some horrible act in life or they would be somewhere other than Cracker Hell as I shall now refer to it. I just ask they incorporate some flames into their logo so people get a better idea of where they are about to enter.


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Restaurant Rage(Part I)

Like most families we probably eat out more than we should. We do our best to cook 3-4 times a week, but being the ultra-popular people we are (wink wink nod nod) there's just no time to do that what with all the regatta gallas we have to attend. Fortunately for us and unfortunately for our bank account there are tons of places to eat within minutes of the house.

Now I don’t know if there’s been a recent influx of moron’s (or de-dit-did-dees as I like to call them) being pumped into the employment pool or just that nobody other than a bunch of idiots want to flip burgers all day, regardless of why for some reason over the past month all of our fav-o-rite places have gone way down hill due to these de-dit-did-dees. The consequence is that instead of Road Rage…I know have Restaurant Rage!!!

Today I’m naming names and dishing out some imaginary justice.


The Offense: HOW IN THE FRIK DO YOU MESS UP A SALAD!!!! I’m not the de-dit-did-dee here. I know you’re not back there making them by hand. Suffering from little nicks as you cut up a hundred chickens into cubes for the days lunch crowd. NO THEY COME PRE-ASSEMBLED!!! So now not only do I have to count every single thing I’ve ordered and match that number with the total items in the bag, I gotta frik’n check to see if my salad has oranges all over it cause you can’t tell the difference between Chicken BLT and Mandarin Cranberry. Fruit belongs in a cup. Vegetables go on a salad. GET IT RIGHT!!! Oh and had I known you were going to throw it at me I would’ve brought my catchers mitt. The sonic boom from the chocolate milk you launched nearly cracked my windshield.

The justice: Face the firing squad. Since you can’t tell the difference between bacon and oranges, you will be placed in front of a wall, stripped, and a Dave Thomas impersonator will alternately throw pieces of raw bacon and whole oranges at you. Let's see how quickly you can dodge a grapefruit going 90mph Speedy. 


The offense: YOU NEARLY GOT ME KILLED AFTER INSTRUCTING ME TO PULL FORWARD IN A SPOT WHERE NOBODY ELSE COULD GET AROUND ME!!! Now I’m not going to mention how you ALWAYS mess up my order, because at this point it’s my fault for going and I assume it’s because you put crack in your double quarter pounder. I’m addicted and I no longer care what’s in the bag, I just have to have it. No, what I’m most concerned about here is how I never thought I’d see the day where I’d get beaten by an angry mob over a chicken biscuit. I swear the next time (cause even after all of this I’m still an addict) you ask me to pull forward I’m gonna refuse. I’d rather risk having my food spit in then being atomic wedgied in front of Fred just because you didn’t design the parking lot to allow for extra drive-thru space.

The justice: Simple. Dress up like Ronald McDonald, make up and all, then proceed to the nearest Burger King at precisely 12:00. Stand outside next to the cashier (as they are often out there taking orders during peak times) and every time you hear somebody order a Whopper you must hit them in the face with a Big Mac. You can leave once the King’s minions finish torturing you.

Zaxby’s (or those that pass out toddler toys)

The offense: Zaxby’s is a local chicken shack and although this is a common irritant regardless of where we go, since it happened to me there last they are the ones I’m going to take my Restaurant Rage out on. Fred is old enough now to eat pizza, fries, hamburgers, nuggets…when we go out he gets a kids meal. Most places are kid friendly and when asked they will switch the plastic piece of junk that coincides with the latest box office cartoon for something soft with round edges and no tiny pieces. However like in the case with Zaxby’s they will give you a toy only a de-dit-did-dee could enjoy…WHY ARE YOU GIVING OUT PICTURES OF ROOSTERS WITH HOLES WHERE THE FEET GO!!! I understand they are supposed to be finger puppets, but how the frik is a 1 year-old supposed to know he’s got to stick two fingers in there and pretend the chicken is walking around??!?!?!?! You may as well have given him a copy of the Wall Street Journal and invited him to play the stock market.

The Justice: We make each employee sit down, hold their hand out, and for every one of those stupid paper puppets they passed out they get a paper cut just like the one I got trying to show Fred how much "fun" they are.

I'm not done yet folks, check back tomorrow to see what I have in store for the de-dit-did-dees at Cracker Barrel, Subway, and Sonic.