Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Thank You Micro-Machine Man!

Remember the Micro-Machine Man? That Super Mario looking guy that sold those microscopic cars and the idea that tiny Hot Wheels were some how cooler than the regular sized models. We may not all realize it, but parents everywhere learned a lot from that guy. Don't believe me? Think about the last time you tried to get your child to do something in a hurry. Did it sound something like this?

Come here Come here Come here Come here k-ear k-ear k-ear k-ear COME HERE!

See just like the Micro-Machine Man taught you. I can do it with Fred's name too: Fred Fred Fred Fred Fred Fred F-ed F-ed F-ed FRED!

If you think about it after their child turns three every parent should be given an honorary Auctioneer's degree that would allow them to just jump up and take over whenever they please.

"Can I get a dollar dollar dollar. Got two got two got two. Can get I a five a five....what? Mama I'm sorry but this is my auction and I'm the only one that can run this microphone...oh hey there little buddy I didn't see you there. Yes I know owls are brown. Yep that baby has orange on. Now don't starting calling me Doo Doo that's not nice. On second thought maybe I do need a break so as I can get a glass of water....I concede the microphone to the lady with the little boy who just broke that lamp."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Off To A Rocky Start

At the end of the day after the sun is set and your child is sleeping soundly in his bed, it's easy to look back at what took place hours before and think "Boys will be boys". Four hours earlier when you've just walked into the door from a day that was every bit of a Monday only to find your precious child spent the day in Time-Out for throwing rocks....you're not so inclined to write things off so easily.

Needless to say we sort of started this week off on a slippery slope. The only thing that stopped him from getting a serious beating was that Lucy and I soon realized the whole thing may have been our fault. We took him to see a local waterfall Sunday afternoon and the entire time he was there he was tossing rocks in the river. Since he seemed to be having so much fun, we went to a quiet spot with picnic tables where he could sit next to the water's edge and throw pebbles until his arm fell off. Great family fun right? Of course! I'm sure we told him the only time you throw rocks is when you are at the river...we just may have not mentioned it a lot...or more than once.

How do you explain to the Director of your daycare that in the same sense that Lucy and I can be looked proudly on when Fred is well behaved.....sometimes we must also be scolded when he's not. While I figure out how to answer this question, enjoy these pics!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Now Serving Lobster!!

Thanks to the miracle that is DVR, commercials are a thing of the past. Really the only time I see a commercial is if I'm watching the morning news or happen to hear one on the radio. Even then I'm only half listening. This morning I saw one and found it so disturbing I couldn't shake the thought of it all day no matter what I tried. I'm not talking about the new Burger King Sir Mix-A-Lot Sponge Bob Square Pants Square Meal Deal ad. I would rather not have Fred walking around looking at every one's butt wondering why it's not shaped like the ones he saw on T.V. What has got me so repulsed is the Long John Silvers Lobster Bites for $2.99. campaign.

Admittedly I can be some what of a food snob. For years I boycotted Subway because they didn't have a clue how to make a sandwich and kept asking me what to put on a Spicy Italian when it was their idea to put it on the menu in the first place. Lucy likes it so eventually I just accepted who they were (and I hate going to more than one place for dinner). Then I was anti-Burger King for a whole year because they told me that if they had to give me free food because they messed up my order than they would have to do it for all the customers whose orders they got wrong (which would obviously teach them to get the #@$& thing right in the first place and we can't go around expecting people to learn from their mistakes can we). I lifted the ban because of the invention of the Chicken Fry which was simply too tasty of an idea to ignore.

Back to my point though....if the food is good I'll pay more for it. For example a $20 steak cooked to perfection is a gift from above. A $16 plate of Chicken Marsala with angel hair pasta and fresh vegetables is to die for. I'll even go as far as to say $10 for a fat eat it with a knife and fork double bacon pepper jack and mushroom burger is a steal. Some foods are good no matter what the cost and some foods should only be served at a minimum cost. In this case lobster. When I think lobster I think giant just pulled out of the fresh coastal waters of some local bay boiled with some corn on the cob and potatoes cry because it's so good once in a blue moon LOBSTER. NEVER have I EVER thought man I got 3 bucks and an empty belly. I think I'll go get me some lobster. I wish you could come, but $2 dollars won't get you something this good. No you need to go find you another .99 cents. If you bought your last lobster dinner with money you found in your couch cushions, I hope your insurance premiums are paid up.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Tupperware Two-Step

Our kitchen is small. "HOW SMALL IS YOUR KITCHEN?!" Our kitchen is so small it makes The Michael Scott Paper Company look like Dunder Mifflin headquarters. Since you can't very well see how far my hands are stretched out....and I can't type with them that way either...let's just say it's the size of McDonald's bathroom minus the urine stains (thank goodness Fred is potty trained).

We live in an older house which was built in a time when only one person (the woman) did anything. Since only one person (the woman) was going to be in there, then only one person (the woman) needed to fit in there. Fast forward 45 years into a very different future and what you have is a meal made with love and mutual respect i.e. by a man and a woman. At first it was a task, but eventually we got the hang of it.

One, two you cut down there while I fry down here
Three, four I'll empty this while you load that
Five, six I spilt the spaghetti let's all pick up sticks.

Growing up I remember a joke about how to tell if an elephant had been in your refrigerator (footprints in the jello). Truth is all these years later as I stare into the far reaches of our icebox I have learned that it wasn't really an elephant after all, just a large footed monkey looking for the grape jelly.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Fruits Of Labor

When you first think about having children, you immediately begin looking around at all the parents around you. Suddenly strangers in the mall become examples of what you want and what you don't want in terms of the personality of your child. Basic decisions are made as to the values you want to instill in your son or daughter. Things such as spanking (we do), putting a leash on your child (we will never do), and using the T.V as a babysitter (we don't as much as we used to do) all become things you spend months tossing around. No matter how much prep time you put into having a baby though you never really get any sense that all your hard work is producing the right fruit until years after the child has arrived home wrapped tight in that blue and white striped hospital blanket.

Recently as if he got caught up in all that is coming alive around him as Spring takes a hold of us, Fred is sprouting more and more each day. Take this past Easter for example: After church while Lucy and the Gigi prepared the feast, Fred decided that what he wanted to do most in the world was ride up & down the road passing out pennies to our neighbors while making sure to wish them a HAPPY EASTER!

Getting to the bottom of a Happy Meal only to find that he had already gotten the prize once before used to be a bummer, now is a chance to give a gift to a friend. "This one is for Max!" he said with giant smile on his face.

A kiss goodnight was once a request and now it's a gift given to Mommy before bedtime.
Words like Thank you, Please, You're Welcome have taken the place of I WANT THAT!

The best fruit of all though is that which is given in the form of a compliment from his teacher at church or from a mother at a birthday party he was invited too. These are the ones that mean the most simply because it means that he's being polite and good not because we are standing over his shoulder, but because it's who he is. And who is he is, is my favorite thing in this whole world.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Random Thoughts

  1. Why does my cat only want attention when I'm getting ready for work and not the day before when I barely left the couch?
  2. How much more of a man do I need to be in order to feel like I deserve to eat at Hardee's? I mean come on already we get it. You have big hamburgers and your customers like to eat cheese paper. Back off already.
  3. George Carlin hit the nail on the head when he joked that the entire history of the world could be traced back to the need for more stuff. Eve wanted stuff. She wanted the apple. Nomads roamed the world collecting stuff. The Pilgrims came to the New World for more stuff. They fought the Revolutionary War because the British were trying to claim the stuff for their own. Ever week I go to Target to get more stuff and once a year we sale all the old stuff we no longer have room for.
  4. Does anybody out there really like butt bread? I mean other than ducks.
  5. What is it with the Mini-Statue Of Liberty yard statues? I'm as patriotic as the next guy, but this is one trend I don't get. How about just putting a flag up.
  6. Honestly who are the Adam Lambert fans? Are they listening to the same thing I am every week?
  7. Who cares that KFC will soon have grilled chicken? The last three times I've gone there they've been out of everything I ordered. Do they really serve chicken at all? Maybe they should change their name to Kentucky Fried Potatoe Wedges, cause that's all they seem to be making plenty of.
  8. Can I not see things in 3-D because my eyes are bad or because I know that the 40-foot tall alien that is "shooting at me" is not really real.