The Angry Blog

I tend to have a good time. I think I laugh more than most. However, my job does require me to get a little sharp with people at times. I know for a fact that there are some in my circle of friends and family that think I have a short fuse. Truth be told when it comes to somebody criticizing my immediate family...I can get very angry. Considering some of the things that I have lived through, it must seem a little odd that I don’t have an anger problem.

My parents divorced when I was five and I remember things that happened. Angry things. I pull the band aide away from time to time and jab at the scar so I won’t forget how bad the cut hurt.

My mom raised 2 kids by herself, while my father moved around and moved on. We were dirt poor and anger was just part of it. She eventually married an angry man. Sometimes a violent man. A man who was sick everyday I knew him. I lived with this old, sick, angry man for 10 years and when I was shot out the other end of the tunnel…something was different. I respected him. I hated him often, loved him always, but never thought I would understand him like I did towards the end. I could be the biggest jerk you have ever met and all I would have to do is tell you a few stories and you might forgive me right then and there. He died from cancer a few years ago and thankfully by then we had found our father/son bond very much alive. I don't condone everything he did...but I understand it. He never understood my annoying habits or odd quirks...but he respected the person I had become. I know this because he told me.

My career choices have been magnets for those angry at the world. I repossessed furniture for a few years. Collected past due medical bills from cancer patients and those far less fortunate than myself. I once worked for a man I now refer to as "THE DEVIL" and this is after being a Christian for more than 2 years. I have a very good job at the moment. My life is filled with more blessings than I care to think about or have room for on this page.

I talk to my father every week now. I love my half brother and sister as if they had grown up in the room next door. I am not angry about how his part in my life turned out. I have spent some time lately thinking about how much I love my son and how excruciating it must have been for my mother and father. The decision to end things must have been like continents ripping apart. I have tried to imagine how gut wrenchingly miserable my parents must have been to decide divorce was the only solution.

I'm not writing this as a complaint or to whine about my past. I have read a lot of blogs since finding out I was going to be a dad. None of them mentioned anger. I had thought up until last weekend that maybe I was the only one that felt he was failing miserably at being a new dad.

So I decided I needed to right an angry blog. A painfully honest blog about what a dad goes through when it's 3:00 in the morning and he can feel the cracks forming in the foundation. The feeling of anger that that is born from lack of sleep and loss of control. The sudden slap in the face when you realize that after 30 years of doing whatever whenever, an 11-pound baby is your new boss.
Fred is 6 weeks old this week and I know people say the first few weeks are hard but I never new of the desperation. The feelings of being at the complete mercy of a baby that can only communicate through cries, screams, breathe holding, and scratching. There are times when Lucy and I have both felt that we could take no more and begged for things to be silent for just 30 seconds. It is in those moments that I feel the anger. That I raise my voice a little more than I should. I change my tone towards Lucy and small things turn into 100 lb weights. The lack of sleep gets to you and makes you crazy. I know for a fact that I will never loose control over my actions. I have seen the consequences of being the angry man. I know that story leads to a lonely hospital room.

This week I learned that sometimes every new dad feels like he is losing ground. I am not the only one who gets scared cause your wife has been with the baby all day and you want to pull your own weight by letting her sleep but the baby's been crying for an hour and you have to get up for work in 4 and so your upset and wife is upset and baby is still crying and the animals are going nuts cause everyone is yelling and you just changed his diaper 5 minutes ago how could he need another one and he won’t stop screaming!!!!! These are the times you take a breath and remember you are just living out 1 day and hopefully there are 100's more to come.

Sometimes every dad gets angry. It's what happens while you’re angry that decides what kind of father you are going to be.