12 Rules I'm Attempting To Teach Fred

• SPITTING IS NASTY ESPECIALLY IF YOU MAKE THAT “ACKKKKKK” SOUND WITH YOUR THROAT FIRST
• FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE EVERYTHING. DON’T BE CAUGHT ON THE PHONE SCREAMING CURSE WORDS IN PUBLIC. YOU DON’T KNOW WHO’S AROUND OR WHAT THEIR OPINION ON THE ISSUE IS.
• BETTER YET JUST DON’T CURSE AT ALL
• LEAVE A TIP!!! NOBODY LIKEs CLEANING UP AFTER YOU ESPECIALLY IF THEY DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING DO WITH YOUR BIRTH.
• MADONNA WON’T LET HER OWN KIDS LISTEN TO HER MUSIC SO WHY SHOULD YOU?
• NEVER DRINK ICE’D CAPPACINO AT 11PM AND THINK YOU WILL GET A GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP.
• PLUTO USED TO BE PLANET BUT IT DIDN’T EAT IT’S VEGATABLES AND SHRANK. NOW IT’S BARELY A MOON
• NEVER WASTE YOUR MONEY ON A NEW ART’S MUSIC UNLESS YOU KNOW 3 TRACKS BY HEART. SAVE THE MONEY AND WAIT FOR THEIR GREATEST HITS COLLECTION.
• ONLY BASEBALL PLAYERS AND MICHAeL JACKSON IMPERSONATORS TOUCH THEIR PRIVATES IN PUBLIC.
• YOU WILL NEVER WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH YOUR MOMMA AND IF YOU ARE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO THINK YOU HAVE, NEVER LET HER KNOW IT.
• WHEN YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS IT MEANS YOU ARE SHOUTING!!!
• NEVER FORGET THE CHICKEN NUGGET TAX. FOR EVERY 5 NUGGETS DADDY GETS ONE.

 

Technorati tags: twelve simple rules, parenting, fathering, daddy blog, madonna, pluto

Decoy Drama

We are at the age now where Fred is really watching everything we do. If we are sitting on the couch, he wants to sit on his couch. We eat with a fork, he needs a fork. My drink has a straw….well you get the idea. This is great and all when it comes to things that can be replaced easily enough. Staws, silverware, etc…can be wiped off or replaced if dropped. What about the TV remote? The Phone? Car Keys? What do you do when the object of his desire is something you can’t afford to have broken or lost?

Simple, you give him decoys. Old remotes, cordless phones that don’t work anymore, keys to locks long ago forgotten, all make perfect decoys. These are great. He loves playing with the remote ”Hey buddy here’s a remote of your very own!!” Won’t give the car keys back ”How about these shiny keys I got just for you?”

Pretty soon though you get so used to seeing these decoys lying around that you forget that they no longer work and are now toys. You’re sitting there pressing the remote, nothings happening, and you decide you are either going to have to watch 6 straight episodes of Rosanne or get up and get batteries. Then at hour 5 ½ it dawns it dawns on you that you’ve got the toy remote (which used to be the working remote). You walk in the room, see the other parent holding the fake phone, and immediately start whispering so you don’t interrupt their conversation. All because his toys are modeled to look exactly like yours.

 

Technorati tags: decoys, childhood, daddy blog, fatherhood, Rosanne

The Age Of Love

Fred turned 14 months last week and I’m convinced that this may be the perfect age. If I could somehow freeze him in time and stop the aging process, 14 months would be as far as I would let him get. Forget his first date, getting his driver’s license, marriage…that’s all wrapped around a bunch of fear and anxiety. I like him just fine the way he is now.

All he wants to do is play. He rarely cries. He sleeps most of the night. Everything is new. Dinner is nothing but chicken nuggets, corn, and pizza. Barney is King and his favorite new game is pulling toys out and putting them back up.

Best of all are all the signs of affection. Bear hugs, high fives, baby kisses…last week he said to Lucy just before he got in the car going to the Hill “I Rub You!!” This week he started blowing her kisses every morning. Forget teenage rebellion and the sex talk, I’d be perfectly fine reading “5 Little Lady Bugs” and “I Am A Puppy” the rest of my life.

 

Technorati tags: age of love, parenting, fatherhood, childhood, time in a bottle

There's A Monster In My Closet!!!

It’s funny how the moment we are born we enjoy being scared. There’s just something about that jolt of electricity you get from a sudden startle that always sends a smile to the face. From 2 month old babies getting a kick out of Peek-A-Boo to 60 yr old men staying up late watching the latest slasher flicks, we all instinctively enjoy a little fright in our lives.

Growing up Broccoli and I turned scaring the Bejesus out of my grandmother into an art form. We’d sneak in the house and hide under table for hours at a time waiting for her to walk by so we could grab an ankle. Grab a handful of gummy worms, cram them in our pockets, and wait for the right moment to yank them out screaming “Granny look at all these worms we found in the yard!!!” Once Broccoli even scared somebody so bad her pants fell off (thankfully it was a cousin and not my grandmother).

Fred is now learning the joys of scare tactics. We catch him all the time sneaking up to a corner and peeking around to see what’s on the other side. He loves to go into his closet and close the door till just a tiny ray of light is allowed inside, then in a flash he flings it open with a mighty roar!! It’s just a matter of time before he makes somebody drop their drawers.

 

Technorati tags: monsters, slasher flicks, parenting, childhood memories, gummy worms, scare tactics

Daddy Got Back

I don’t want to go into my physical faults (I sound like giant girl half the time on this site as it is), but I have packed on some pounds lately. At first I went through this whole denial phase where I kept blaming Lucy for washing my clothes wrong, then I decided that I needed to find a better excuse before I started having to wash my own stuff.

Then I tried to pass it off on my hypoglycemia, but almost had a nervous breakdown once the junk food around the house got replaced with fruit. Blech.

The buckle on my only belt (it was reversible!!) broke off…I tried to say it was Fred’s fault because he obviously stepped on it. That may have worked if he was 16, but clearly I was grasping at straws by saying my 1yr old could bend metal.

Without a belt for a week I managed to moon more people than a busload of drunken football players after winning the state championships. So many people saw my butt rumors began circulating that Britney Spears was in town. I showed so much crack that I was made an honorary member of the Alabama Plumbers Hall Of Fame. I mooned so many people Neil Armstrong got the gang back together and planted a flag in my butt.

Ok enough jokes. It’s not all in my butt anyways…Lucy says I’m getting giant lower back. I scared a couple of kids last night at church after I bent over to pick Fred up. They ran away screaming “Mommy it’s going to butt munch us!!!”

I’m not really into exercising and cutting back on eating isn’t helping….I may have to do a sit-up or two instead of a fruit rollup or three.

 

Technorati tags: weight lost, exercise, parenting, fatherhood, britney spears, neil armstrong, crack addictions

Training Days

I don’t know where it came from…maybe it was Fred learning to give High 5’s. It could have been the site of him riding in that shopping cart with the Auburn ball cap backwards on top of his head. Regardless of why suddenly I’ve begun to think of my pre-fatherhood life in a new light.

I’ve left it as no secret that life wasn’t always easy growing up the child of divorce and the stepson to the “Angry Man”. Nobody has it easy growing up and there are a million stories that are worse than mine. That doesn’t mean the memories of the bad days don’t sting any less though. Pain is in the eye of the beholder. One mans pinprick is another stab through the heart.

Ever since Fathers Day (Which couldn’t have been any better. Thank you Lucy and Fred) I’ve been thinking about my past as something more than just that of an average guy growing up in a small town. I now see it as training camp. All the mistakes, the anger, the lack of money, the different situations I found myself in…they all lead up to that moment when Fred looked up at me for the first time and held my finger as if to say “Where do I go from here?”

I don’t think I realized it at the time, but 1yr and 3 months later I understand that on that day training ended and my purpose began. It’s a simple thing to say out loud “My purpose in life is to give my son the best life possible” The execution is the tricky part. A happy marriage filled with love, a more than passing relationship with God, the ability to overcome hard times, finances, relationships, morals, behavior (his and mine), right and wrong…these were all covered during the training days. I may not know what’s going to happen next week or next year, but I do remember what happened yesterday and all the yesterdays before then. It’s because of those yesterdays that I am able to give Fred a fruitful tomorrow. Magically he erases the sting from a thousand pinpricks.

Technorati tags: training day, parenting, purpose, yesterdays, southern living, fatherhood

Foot Patrol

Recently we went looking for new sandals for Fred. No big deal right? You’re in you’re out. Badda Bing Badda Boom. Except it wasn’t that easy. Fred apparently knows something that a million other 1 year-olds have not yet figured out…with just a tug Velcro comes apart. Obviously he’s the only baby in the country that knows this because after going to 5 different stores looking for sandals that pulled on instead of being velcro’d on, we found zero pairs. How can this be??!!!???!!! The only answer is that he’s the smartest baby in the world because the alternative is that shoe designers want kids to pull apart Velcro so that they will lose them at the mall, church, the playground, the daycare, at restaurants, and parking lots. Hence making the mommy and daddy’s of the world have to go spend the same amount of money for a size 5 toddler that they would for a pair of their own shoes. We all know that the last thing big business wants us to do is spend more money. 

 

Technorati tags: shoes, velcro, parenting, fatherhood, sandals, kids

Is There Another Blockhead On The Way?

Not hardly, but for some reason I find myself wanting another one. Lucy brought it up last night and like everything else we seem to be thinking the same thing “We are not ready, but the idea is there again.” It would be a financial nightmare to have another child. In two years things will be different (Fred will be about out of daycare). Plus we can barely keep up with one. It wouldn't be fair to either Fred or the new baby at the moment.

Still...I never thought I’d miss the middle of the night wake up call, being at the mercy of a baby that loved to wake up at 2 a.m and fall back asleep at 4 (I watched sooo many movies during that time). I miss curling up with that fragile little boy and rocking him to sleep. I miss telling stories and having his full attention. That’s my favorite thing about time, in a matter of months it can take what once was difficult and make it seem like a vacation.

Fred is amazing and with each new word or giggle he reminds me why I should take nothing for granted…still we miss our baby and can see those long nights filled with movies and story telling coming back around very soon…just not this year or maybe next…then again life is moving at the speed of sound and with every step Fred is declaring his independence. Watching him grow up is a blessing, but there's some saddness mixed in there whenever I stop and think of how fast that first year zipped by. I love my toddler, but I miss my baby boy. 

See Spot Run

I’m not sure when it happened, maybe this is the way it’s been since birth (his not mine). At some distinct moment in time I became a golden retriever. I fetch, I role over, play dead, get my belly rubbed a couple times a week, and I even get taken on long walks every so often.

Take last night for example, Fred thought I’d like a round of fetch after dinner so we spent an hour playing “I’ll throw the toy under the couch and you go get it”. He even made it easier on me by bringing along his triceratops flashlight. (My eyes are getting bad in my old age hence the word “golden” retriever). Fetch lasts all day and lately it's followed by the words “Uh oooh!!!” I keep telling him it’s not an “uh oh” if he throws something on purpose, but I think he just says that cause it always gets a laugh out of me. Kinda like giving me a treat for doing such a good job.

He loves to take walks in his wagon, but he’s not walking anywhere. It’s not a walk when you fall asleep two blocks from the house and wake up back at home.

He’s obsessed about my belly button and is constantly trying to raise my shirt to get a better view.

Finally, just like a dog by the end of the day I will sleep anywhere. The foot of the bed, the floor in the middle of the hall, under the coffee table…I don’t care I just need sleep.

 

Technorati tags: childhood, parenting, fetch, dogs, kids games

NO The Musical

He started this past Sunday. At first it was cute and funny. How can you get mad at him while he stands there dancing and singing it like a song? At 3:30 this morning, cute went out the window. Lucy suspects he learned it at church, but the source isn’t what’s important. A way to get end it is our current predicament. It’s almost impossible to be mad at him once he gets going.

“Fred quit throwing food in the floor and sit down.”

With his arm out, index finger waving side to side, and hips shaking he sings “no no no no no, no no no no no”

“Quit messing the buttons on the TV”

“no no no no no, no no no no no”

“Boys and Girls under 5 do not play in mommy’s jewelry box, but especially not boys!”

“no no no no no, no no no no no”

“Baby put that cat food scoop down and come out of the kitchen.”

You guessed it “no no no no no, no no no no no”

Then at 3:30 am when he woke up ready to play and was asked to go back to sleep “no no no no no, no no no no no” became a major annoyance.

 

Technorati tags: musicals, no, parenting, fatherhood, motherhood

Boy, I've Been In Your Shoes (Part II)

The man sitting in the pew surrounded by the family he seldom gets to see, wonders if his 1 year-old son will make it through the service. Although it comes down to a flip of the coin, there’s a schedule in place that is desperately clung too in hopes that with the right bottle at this moment and the perfect book at this time the boy will be fast asleep when the Church grows silent and the preacher begins his lesson. This time it’s different though, normal the family attends church with 500 others all of whom tend to filter out any noises children make. This is not the mans usual place of worship though and hence the thought of his fun loving son deciding he’s ready to party in a building filled with less than 30 sends shivers of worry up and down his spine.

As the preacher takes the podium and begins speaking in his deep, enthusiastic voice the man barely registers a word, focusing solely on what the child is doing. Minutes pass and the child begins to get restless when something stops him in his tracks. At first the father is confused, then the look on his son’s face brings back a memory he had long ago forgotten. He understands what has caused the open mouth and wide-eyed expression, it’s the same look he once had every time the grandfather (now a great-grandfather) found his stride while preaching the words of Jesus Christ. And when the boy begins babbling like babies do, the father does little to try and silence the sounds. As he sits there surrounded by his wife and family, the father remembers those thoughts of long ago that echo “He’s talking to me!! He’s in front of all these people and yet he’s looking right at me!”

To this the father leans into his son’s ear and says “I know Fred. I’ve been there. Isn’t great-grandpa amazing?”

 

Technorati tags: deja vu, childhood, memories, jesus christ, religion, fatherhood, parenting

Boy, I've Been In Your Shoes (Part I)

This one’s going to be a toughie to write, but as is the case with most of my posts the ideas tend to have a life of their own and eventually I have no choice but to put “pen to paper”.

Part I

 There’s this little kid dressed in overalls and navy blue sneakers. His curly hair is blowing in the breeze and he’s squinting just a bit like his father does whenever the sun is burning brightly in the sky. The driveway stretches out in front of him as he sees the man get into the car and buckle his seatbelt. Though he’s too young to understand all the circumstances that have lead to this day, the little boy knows this will be the last time he sees this person for awhile. Immediately he begins flapping his right arm up and down showing off the new trick he’s just perfected.

“Bye Bye” “Bye Bye” he calls out. The man in the car…this man the boy feels a connection too after only spending 4 days with during the past year (2 at a time) waves back and gives one last smile as he pulls away.

The little curly haired boy has a new trick up his sleeve and instinctively he takes off down the driveway, running for the first time. “Bye Bye" "Bye Bye” he keeps saying while flapping the hand in the air and showing his new found speed. He stops just short of the road where he catches one last look at the car as it rounds the corner.

With a smile on his face the boy looks back over his shoulder at his dad who is lagging behind him and hears him take a deep breath then while slowly releasing the pressure inside he says, “I know Fred. I’ve been there too. You will see grandpa again someday I promise”.

 

Technorati tags: divorce, childhood, parenting

But First A Word From Our Sponsor

For those of you that have finally gotten used to my new schedule of posting on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays only to keep clicking over to find only 1 post last week, I apologize. I took last Monday off for Memorial Day and that put me behind over at AmericanSuperStars. Normally I work my schedule to write for it a day in advance and it just didn’t work out that way last week. In addition the other site I get paid to write for (Repellem) is changing from 3 to 5 days starting this week and evolving into a environmental site causing me to have to do a ton of research on green issues.

This week things should get back on schedule, plus I’m going post all 5 days just to get caught up to what’s bouncing around my world. I’ve got a two parter that will wrap up our trip to the Granny’s, there’s a new addition of “Fred Vs. The Bed” in the works, and speaking of Fred he has learned a new trick that left us with a bit of a situation.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog already in progress

Charlie Blockhead.

 

Technorati tags: fatherhood, parenting, american superstars, repellem, motherhood, children