Monday, August 06, 2012

The True Tale Of Terrifying Timmy

It was our first beach vacation in over three years and we had been in town for less than a couple hours when a collective growl swept across the family. Looking to kill a bit of time as we waited for our room to open up, we decided to hit a nearby fav called Desoto's Crap Shack. With an aquarium filled with fish straight out of Finding Nemo and some of the best seafood the Gulf of Mexico has to offer, walking into Desoto's felt like home. When Timmy sat down next to us and screamed "DVD" at the top of his lungs we immediately realized a new less pleasant memory was about to be created.

I can't recall ever seeing a parent bring what had to be a 15 inch portable DVD player to a crowded restaurant before. I do know that the moment I witnessed it chills ran up and down my spine warning me of the terror to come. How bad could this child possibly be if he requires a big screen TV to be placed in front of him during every meal

"Timmy sit and watch the movie for mommy"
Like a drunk frat bro let loose on the public, everything Timmy said was as full blown scream.

I'm not 100% sure Timmy referred to himself in third person, but a month later it was if an evil supervillian had sat next to us and with him came a never ending narration of what he was about to unleash on the unsuspecting crowd. "TIMMY LIKE FISHIES. TIMMY SIT HERE...NO THERE...NO HERE...TIMMY SIT OVER THERE. TIMMY LIKE MOVIES"

"Timmy do you want chicken? Timmy do you want fish? Timmy do you want burger?"
Timmy's mom apparently had one purpose in life and that was to be his personal slave, begging for a moment of acknowledgement in hopes of pleasing his every whim. "Timmy do you want soda? Timmy is that movie okay? Timmy want some bread? Timmy Timmy Timmy Timmy....

As if things could not get much worse, Timmy began to scream at the top of his lungs for no reason other than to cause pain and suffering "WHAAAAAAAAA WHAAAAA WHAAAAAAA" It wasn't a cry of pain, more like a police siren that bounced off every surface in the building. Alex's eyes about bugged out of his head, mouth dropping to the floor as if he was witnessing a new creature that apparently lived among the pastel blue houses and beach front condos located along the ocean. "WHAAAAAA WHAAAAAAA"

Each time he screamed the crowd of tourists jumped a few inches out of their seat as if the wave had suddenly broke out among the dinners. With as much effort as someone might put into asking for another fork for their meal, the mom began the Timmy Please's "Timmy please stop. Timmy please watch your movie. Timmy please eat your food. Timmy please watch your drink. Timmy please don't do that"

Not happy with the movie or only half the restaurant looking at him, Timmy decided to take the show on the road. Leaping out of his seat and starting a circuit that began in front of our table and did a figure eight through the dinning area, Timmy ran with sirens blazing "WHAAAAA WHAAA WHAAAAA WHAAAA WHAAAAA"

Thankfully and mercifully our food was delivered in quick time, tasted like a slice of heaven, and was just as quickly cleared. As we ran for our lives to the van which had earlier that day felt like a confinement cell for six hours, I took one last look back at Timmy who was destroying poor Desoto's like Godzilla taking out Tokyo. To this very day everytime I order fish and fries I break out in a cold sweat and hear that awful siren "WHHHHAAAAA WHAAAAAA WHAAAAA"

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