Monday, May 19, 2008

Maynard And The Great Northern Bear Adventure

Lucy's boss Maynard is going bear hunting this weekend in Canada and I'm more than just a little stumped by the whole thing. First off it's not like hunting Bambi in the backwoods of Alabama. Passports, copies of birth certificates, and changes in currency were just a few of the things required for the great trip up North.

Now I'm not going to go into how I'd never be able to hunt yet don't have a problem eating meat, yet I will say if I was to pick up a rifle and play Tribal Provider you can rest assured I wouldn't be going after anything that could eat me if I accidentally grazed it's shoulder instead of catching it between the eyes. I mention between the eyes cause I know I'd never be able to sneak up on a bear in the first place and the only way I'd be able to get a shot off was if it was heading straight towards me.

I've read that the best way to protect yourself from a bear attack is to lay down and play dead. Then again I've also heard the tales of those classic clips from movies such as Faces Of Death which circulated the video stores when I was a kid. I remember one buddy telling me the clip he saw involved a dude sleeping in his tent and being eaten by a bear.....if playing dead is the answer than that shouldn't have happened.

For some reason that scene from Deliverance (squeal like a pig if you know the one I'm talking about) also flashes in my mind. Just thinking about clomping through the woods 1,000 miles from civilization (otherwise known as America) with nothing but a rifle and a hunting knife to help ward off all the pot smokers, puck heads, and wanna be unibombers that have snuck over the border to formulate a plan on "saving America from itself" makes me think that Ned Betty may not have had it so bad after all. I mean at least he was in Tennessee.

I can just see ole'Maynard clopping through the woods, camo head to toe, face painted to match the surrounding trees, one hand on his gun and the other on a Bud Light just in case it starts to get dark out. Once he makes it back I'll make him tell me all about his exploits and give you guys an update. Good Luck Maynard.

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