The Politics of Potluck

I’m really funny when it comes to eating out. Specifically when it comes to buffets. My rule is like foods only. I will not eat at a buffet if it does not share some sort of nationality. Chinese buffet: beef and broccoli, sweet and sour chicken, won ton soup, like foods equal ok to eat. Italian buffet: pizza, lasagna, spaghetti, and garlic bread, again like foods equal good eats. Mixed buffet: turnip greens, tacos, pizza, fried catfish, and sushi, no common country of origin equals a sprint to the nearest bathroom.

Now the only time I bend this rule is when it comes to potlucks. You know what I’m talking about. Even if you’re not religious and haven’t had a chance to enjoy the food and fellowship of a good ole southern style potluck dinner, you’ve probably experienced close to the same thing at family reunions. The only difference is that more than likely you’ve spent your entire life sharing meals with the family and even if the food is nasty you know what to avoid and what to request that person to make in advance. Can’t do that at a church potluck.

So you get in the gianormis line that stretches from the pulpit to the picnic tables out back and you spend the next half hour taking baby steps while making small talk with the person in front of you. You finally get to the start of the food table and you quickly realize that the crowd is so thick you have no way of knowing what lies ahead further up the food chain. You have two choices: A) make your way through the line adding small amounts of this and that while counting on there being that amazingly tasty something special that you just know you’re going to want to load up on. The down side being that special something may not be at the other end and you’re left with tiny amounts of mediocrity. Or B) load up at the beginning of the table and forfeit any room on your plate for that must have item. This is usually the quickest way to get out of line and will surely allow you time to find the perfect seat right next to all your friends, however you have to really be careful on what you load up on or you are going to have a plate full of nasty and nothing to do but choke it down or dine with Ronald McDonald afterwards.

I always seem to take choice A). Not necessarily because I’m waiting for something better just over the horizon, but because I’m always looking to try new things. So right from the start I have doomed myself to having to choke down some type of chicken casserole that smells delicious but tastes like my cousins odor eaters. It’s either that or I immediately start the quarantine process. Say for example I mistakenly thought the green mashed potatoes would be a nice treat, but found out differently once I took the first heaping spoonful. Now not only have I wasted valuable property on my plate where something more fulfilling could have been built, but I also have to give up a quarter of the green beans to the left and macaroni to the right of the disaster. Whatever portion the green mashed potatoes touched is off limits. Now I’ve had to give up half my plate simply because I got caught up in all the hussle and bussle of the potluck.

Finally there is one sure way to survive the potluck without having to make too many choices and avoid a case of ecoli. Meat. Turkey, chicken, ham…always load up on meat. Add a couple rolls and call it a day. Even if for some reason something other than meat catches your eye and turns out tasting like run over turtle, you can always make a sandwich out of the meat and rolls.

So remember meat/rolls good, tacos and tapioca on the same plate bad.